Well, I had a baby. I'm still working on writing up my birth story. Everyone says things are crazy the first few months and it's true. It's been amazing, though. Sorry my blog has been neglected. But something happened last week that sort of encompassed my whole journey, and inspired me to post.
For 7 of the 9 years I lived in Sweden, we lived very close to 2 small lakes. You could easily walk down, and we took lots of walks there. On 9/1/11, I had just flown back from the US after a trip, and was about to start the school year. A few days ago, I had taken my last birth control pill, and my period showed up that morning and we were going to TTC! I had just started dabbling in running that summer, and I went for a run. I distinctly remember that, as I ran around one of the lakes, I passed lots of strollers and kids playing. That will be us soon, I thought, we're going to have a baby and take him/her on walks here.
When I got pregnant a few months later, we went for a walk, again talking about the strollers and how fun it would be to take our kid for walks around the lakes.
After I lost that pregnancy, I was on exercise restriction for a while. When that was lifted, I went for a run around the lakes. I didn't think about the fact that I would encounter those countless strollers again, but that they would carry a different meaning. In every stroller I passed, I saw the baby we had lost. It was heartbreaking. I stopped and cried.
I went on to have more losses, as you know. As I got deeper into the recurrent pregnancy loss/trouble TTC journey, running became really important for preserving my sanity. It was what I put my energy into. I used it to prove to myself that my body wasn't *all* bad, even though I felt like it was failing me by not growing any babies. I had to take several breaks, due to losses and IVF stims, but running was constant for me throughout the darkest months/years.
The past few years, I ran one 10K and two half marathons. Almost all of my training runs involved at least part of the path around the lakes. I spent hours pounding the pavement/gravel there. Passing strollers. Every time, my heart hurt. I wanted nothing more than to bring my baby there, but I kept losing my babies. It was a constant reminder of what I wanted more than anything, but that I couldn't have, even as I was trying to channel all of that energy into running.
In May, I finally became a mother, after almost five years. I still cannot believe it's real. I am so incredibly lucky. We took Baby E to Sweden last month, and spent a lot of time going around seeing Mr. E's relatives and our friends.
On that trip, we drove by our old apartment. Mr. E asked, "do you want to go for a walk around the lakes?"
We drove down to the path, the skies a threatening dark gray, thunder in the distance. Not exactly ideal conditions for a walk. Still, there were a few strollers out. We looked at each other, our hearts hurting for the babies we had lost, but so full of joy for the baby we had in the backseat. We took Baby E out of his carseat and put him in the stroller we had borrowed from my mother-in-law's coworker.
Mr. E took my hand. And with tears rolling down my cheeks, we took our son for a walk around the lakes.
For 7 of the 9 years I lived in Sweden, we lived very close to 2 small lakes. You could easily walk down, and we took lots of walks there. On 9/1/11, I had just flown back from the US after a trip, and was about to start the school year. A few days ago, I had taken my last birth control pill, and my period showed up that morning and we were going to TTC! I had just started dabbling in running that summer, and I went for a run. I distinctly remember that, as I ran around one of the lakes, I passed lots of strollers and kids playing. That will be us soon, I thought, we're going to have a baby and take him/her on walks here.
When I got pregnant a few months later, we went for a walk, again talking about the strollers and how fun it would be to take our kid for walks around the lakes.
After I lost that pregnancy, I was on exercise restriction for a while. When that was lifted, I went for a run around the lakes. I didn't think about the fact that I would encounter those countless strollers again, but that they would carry a different meaning. In every stroller I passed, I saw the baby we had lost. It was heartbreaking. I stopped and cried.
I went on to have more losses, as you know. As I got deeper into the recurrent pregnancy loss/trouble TTC journey, running became really important for preserving my sanity. It was what I put my energy into. I used it to prove to myself that my body wasn't *all* bad, even though I felt like it was failing me by not growing any babies. I had to take several breaks, due to losses and IVF stims, but running was constant for me throughout the darkest months/years.
The past few years, I ran one 10K and two half marathons. Almost all of my training runs involved at least part of the path around the lakes. I spent hours pounding the pavement/gravel there. Passing strollers. Every time, my heart hurt. I wanted nothing more than to bring my baby there, but I kept losing my babies. It was a constant reminder of what I wanted more than anything, but that I couldn't have, even as I was trying to channel all of that energy into running.
In May, I finally became a mother, after almost five years. I still cannot believe it's real. I am so incredibly lucky. We took Baby E to Sweden last month, and spent a lot of time going around seeing Mr. E's relatives and our friends.
On that trip, we drove by our old apartment. Mr. E asked, "do you want to go for a walk around the lakes?"
We drove down to the path, the skies a threatening dark gray, thunder in the distance. Not exactly ideal conditions for a walk. Still, there were a few strollers out. We looked at each other, our hearts hurting for the babies we had lost, but so full of joy for the baby we had in the backseat. We took Baby E out of his carseat and put him in the stroller we had borrowed from my mother-in-law's coworker.
Mr. E took my hand. And with tears rolling down my cheeks, we took our son for a walk around the lakes.
